My story

i did it

sassyjade — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 18:22:26 +0000

i settled.

and the only thought in my mind is,

did i do good?

i did. i did. i did.

this is one of the most valuable lessons of my life. i am grateful for this opportunity to grow.

i am blessed. i am strong. i am wonderful. i did. i love myself. i did good. you did good, j. i love you.

Validation

sassyjade — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:31:46 +0000

OMG. They just validated all my claims. Did they really think sending a stupid, threatening email would make me withdraw my lawsuit? They are beyond stupid. And so criminal. This is organized crime in it’s true form.

Just got an email from one of the people I trusted most, trying to use her influence over me. Less than a week before I walk into a mediation.

I felt a wrenching of panic and fear. The threats are real. For a second it still gets to me. I wonder if I will be punished by Heaven. I wonder if I will always be looking over my back and regret doing this. But this is exactly what they want!!! This is exactly how they held me prisoner for so long. This is so scary. This is the scariest part of this cult. That they have so much power over me. That even after the legal action I took, the work I’ve done in therapy, that I would even for one second consider that I am doing something I shouldn’t be doing. That is the most frightening part of all.

I will not give in. I will not bow down in fear.

The other feeling I have flooding inside of me is validation. This validates all the reasons I felt scared and confused and guilty about doing anything. Always remember that. Email or not, my story is valid. Everything I feel is valid.

Believe in myself.

Believe.

Something so bad

sassyjade — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 20:35:01 +0000

My therapist says that everything I’m fearing is already happening. It’s already taking control of me, leading me to feel alone and isolated. He gave me new insight. I can take control of it. I can control what to do with it. I can work to prevent things from happening. I can make it better. I can work to make sure it happens to less people. That the people responsible pay for it.

It was a lot today. I got a peak into seeing how badly I am hurt by this. I had hot tears streaming down as I realized that I could not grapple just how bad it is. That’s why I can’t talk about it. Because it’s just so bad. But counseling is really helping. Helping me realize that there is another way. A way that I was not able to see. I can gain power. I can gain strength.

Hope bubbling up

sassyjade — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 17:08:35 +0000

Just talked to my lawyer again and it is so validating and gratifying whenever he talks about how strong my case is. He says my case is one of the better cases that his firm has seen in all these years. He says he asked an attorney from normally defends companies to take a look at it, and she says it’s one of the best complaints she’s seen. It’s so powerful. And if it was her client, she would say, “We need to take care of this as quickly as possible. You messed up, pay for it, and have it go away.”

All of these things are helping me gain so much power. This is what empowerment feels like. To have lawyers, to have people on the outside telling you. Helping me break free of the prison of information and brainwashing. I am so excited and hope is bubbling up.

Vindication

sassyjade — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 23:49:48 +0000

Every time my lawyer calls me with news of what the other side has said, I feel vindicated. It might sound weird since I am not in the defendants’ place, but that is how I feel because of the shame and guilt, the bars that have been placed on my mind.

“I’ve had attorneys look at your complaint, and anyone can know that what happened to you is true. What IL did to you was true. The amount of detail and the nuances in your complaint, any juror will beleive you.”

Even their lawyer has said, “I’ve never seen anything like this. This is big. We want to resolve this as quickly as possible.”

Wow. It’s a lot. A huge release that courses through me. At the same time, a shaking and a little shuddering, something breaking down inside me. Taking deep breaths.

I feel powerful for once. I feel relief. I feel strong. I feel so strongly that I was wronged. This is my truth. And I have the power to live it.

It makes me want to get everyone else out, too. All those whose life is being robbed. Whose bodies, whose souls, whose emotions are being robbed.

I feel vindicated.

Channel your pain as strength

sassyjade — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 02:47:49 +0000

Dori says, “Accept the pain you are going through as stuff that will make you stronger.” He is so great. He accepts. And he says to take the pain and hardship I feel and make it my strength. As much as I am hurting is as strong as I can be. Sweetie pie.

I will use my pain and suffering. From there will come my strength.

The past

sassyjade — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 01:54:37 +0000

The past can never come back. It can never come back. Even if you want it to, it can never come back. So, don’t you even worry about it coming back to haunt you. If you don’t let it, it won’t!

Mom’s wise words: “Don’t let the past interfere with your future.”

It’s done. It’s ended. Everything I chose from now on can be free from it by a single-minded choice. That choice is mine. I have all the power.

The past can never be again.

This is why I’m crying

sassyjade — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 22:41:15 +0000

“After a cult experience, when you wake up to face the deepest emptiness, the darkest hole, the sharpest scream of inner terror at the deception and betrayal you feel, I can only offer hope by saying that in confronting the loss, you will find the real you. And when your soul is healed, refreshed, and free of the nightmare bondage of cult lies and manipulations, the real you will find a new path, a valid path—a path to freedom and wholeness.”

-Janja Lalich, Ph.D. is a researcher, educator and consultant specializing in cultism and extremist groups and ideologies.

This is one of the women I feel ever so grateful to. I will find a new path. I will be free. And my heart will be while again. And my soul will be whole and free again.

I can’t stop crying

sassyjade — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:46:11 +0000

and I don’t know why.

Ever since I got that call I’ve been waiting for from my lawyer, I just can’t stop crying. Everything is heading in a good direction. I feel releived, I feel happy, I feel strong. But why am I crying? I want to pour my heart out to someone. I want someone to glue everything back together. Every time I reread the letter and complaint my lawyer and I sent, I break down again. I feel cold. I feel alone. I feel so broken. I feel so sad. And all torn up inside.

Am I facing something new? Are parts of it only now coming down on me? By them recognizing or admitting in a little way that they did something they should settle out of court, is it making me accept things in a more real way? I don’t know but my heart reaches out to all those who have gone through something similar. The women I know out there who have gone through this and survived this. For those who then reached out to talk about this, to help others, to show others. I thank them.

Crumbling

sassyjade — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 18:32:30 +0000

I can feel the walls of imprisonment slowly crumbling down. The veil slowly being lifted. The fingers slowly lifting and the indentions slowly rising back. No guilt. I am standing tall and strong with conviction. And inside my heart is still broken.